Stuff Straight People Like

#16 Wondering How Gay People, Ya Know, "Do It."

2008-03-08T18:13:00.000-08:00

In fact, I started out straight, and just wanted to research the subject. My research has been quite successful (and successional) and should probably only take another 40 years or so to complete. Don't worry straight people. I'm bringing back props, diagrams and video.

#15 Being on T.R. Knight's Side

2008-03-04T00:20:00.000-08:00

Everybody loves George O'Malley. Even straight dudes. He's a neat guy. He's a nifty and neat guy. He's like a walking dimple. Ya know? And check this out: he's like, totally gay in real life, right. But on screen he's totally done Ellen Pompeo, Katherine Heigl AND frickin' Sara Ramirez. McDreamy and McSteamy don't even have that record. That's it: I wanna be a gay guy.

#14 "Everybody Loves Raymond"

2008-02-28T09:49:00.000-08:00

I'm not gonna lie: I watch it too. But straight people actually enjoy it.

#13 Keanu Reeves

2008-02-26T16:13:00.000-08:00

Lucky bastard has made a great living by doin' it with Halle Barry, Sandra Bullock and my ex-wife Charlize Theron on the big screen. But I don't think he could act his way out of a paper bag. File him away under *straight people box office gold*

And someone let him know that "Whoa" was only cool when Joey Lawrence said it on "Blossom", alright?

#12 Unspoken Gay Tension Between Straight TV Characters

2008-02-24T11:50:00.000-08:00

Don't ask me why. The straights do it. I just report it.

#11 Watching The L Word For the "Really Interesting Storylines"

2008-02-23T12:22:00.000-08:00

Yeah. So do I.

#10 Cuba Gooding, Jr

2008-02-22T10:59:00.000-08:00

Show meeeee...
what all the fuss is about.

#9 Having Gay Friends So They Can Say "A Friend of Mine is Gay and..."

2008-02-22T10:55:00.000-08:00

Some of my best friends are gay...

#8 Jack Johnson

2008-02-22T01:00:00.000-08:00

Oh there are certainly some lesbians who like to macrame' and tap their sandals to his music. And I suppose there are some gay men who enjoy his company during a yoga cool-down. But he's all the rage for the straights. He's like the straight man's Dave Matthews...

#7 eHarmony

2008-02-22T00:27:00.000-08:00

I guess they didn't like my homemade commercial about my hopes for an amateur all-girl orgy at Dinah Shore in my hotel room with chicks I met on Planetout.com. Picky, picky.

#6 Learning About Gay People From Oprah

2008-02-21T11:23:00.000-08:00

These days it seems like Oprah has a show about gay folks at least once a week. I'm sure it's pretty exciting for straight people to watch her "discover" what it is to be gay and share her findings with them. But if you really want to know how gay people interact with each other, look no further than O's relationship with her BFF Gayle King. They've lasted longer than most lesbian relationships and have even avoided U-haulin' it.

#5 Condoms

2008-02-21T07:15:00.000-08:00

...and in the event of an emergency, they can be used as a flotation device.

#4 Dane Cook

2008-02-20T16:32:00.000-08:00

I know some lesbians do too (though I want to take away those lesbians' *lesbian card*) but straight people had to make up 99% of the $35 million "Good Luck Chuck" made at the box office. Lesbians get their Jessica Alba on DVD like civilized people.

#3 Breeding

2008-02-20T10:47:00.000-08:00

They can't help themselves.

#2 Bluetooth Technology

2008-02-20T08:52:00.000-08:00

Seriously, when's the last time you saw a lesbian wearing one?

#1 Penises

2008-02-20T08:27:00.000-08:00

Straight women like penises almost as much as straight men do.